We Can !

The Narcissistic Family Portrait

It can stink and look pretty at the same time

Clinical experience and research show that adult children of narcissists have a difficult time putting their finger on what is wrong. Denial is rampant in the narcissistic family system. "The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue about how he or she got that way." Pressman and Pressman, The Narcissistic Family. It is common for adult children of narcissists to enter treatment with emotional symptoms or relationship issues, but simultaneously display a lack of awareness of the deeper etiology or cause. The narcissistic family hides profound pain.

In a nutshell, the narcissistic family operates according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children's emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible - not heard, seen or nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn't it?

Let's browse some common dynamics from this profoundly dysfunctional intergenerational system. Keep in mind there are degrees of dysfunction on a spectrum depending on the level of narcissism in the parents.

Secrets:
The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs or they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to the children: "Don't tell the outside world...pretend everything is fine."

Image:
The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: we are bigger, better, have no problems, and we must put on the face of perfection. Children get the messages: "What would the neighbors think?" "What would the relatives think?" What would our friends think?" These are common fears in the family. "Always put a smile on that pretty little face."

Negative Messages:
Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized. Those messages typically are: "You're not good enough." "You don't measure up." "You are valued for what you do rather than for who you are."

Lack of Parental Hierarchy:
In healthy families there is a strong parental hierarchy where the parents are in charge and shining love, light, guidance, and direction down to the children. In narcissistic families the hierarchy is non-existent. The children are there to serve parental needs.

Lack of Emotional Tune-In:
Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental.

Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don't confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.

Unclear Boundaries:
There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Children's feelings are not considered important. Diaries are read, physical boundaries not kept, and emotional boundaries not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family history.

One Parent Narcissistic, The Other Orbits:
If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the other parent to have to revolve around the narcissist to keep the marriage intact. Many times the other parent has redeeming qualities to give to the children, but is tied up meeting the needs of the narcissistic spouse. This often leaves the children's needs unmet. Who is there for them?

Siblings Are Not Encouraged To Be Close:
In healthy families, we encourage our children to be loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some children are favored or seen as the golden child and others become the scapegoat for the parents’ projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other.

Feelings:
Feelings are denied and not discussed. Children are not taught to embrace their emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff, repress, and are told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own feelings and therefore project them onto others. This causes a lack of accountability and honesty...not to mention other psychological disorders. If we don't process feelings, they do leak out in other unhealthy ways.

Not Good Enough Messages:
These messages come across loud and clear in the narcissistic family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways and others just model it to the children. Even with arrogant and boastful behavior, under the veneer of a narcissist is a self-loathing psyche that gets passed to the child.

The Dysfunction Can Be Obvious or Covert:
In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious. Emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, is often hidden. Where the drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as or more damaging to the children.

In reviewing the above dynamics one can see how this kind of family can stink and look pretty at the same time. If you recognize your family here, please know there is hope and recovery. Although we can't change the past, we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounded in our family systems. As Mark Twain defines the optimist, I also see the recovering adult child: "A person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness." We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery, we can defy intergenerational statistics.

We Can!

boon tells lies because

They tell lies because they aren't living in the real world. They are living in a fantasy, a work of fiction, a stage play that they make up as they go along. They are just children playing "pretend." You are supposed to play along and pretend that their lies are true. Because they are the author of The World According to THEM, and you are supposed to follow their script.

The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he/she projects onto you. You are a mirror to reflect their fantasies, so they pressure you to behave as though it is real. Again just like the analogy of a child playing “make believe games like cowboys and Indians – when they say “bang bang” your dead – you best well be dead or else.
Unfortunately it is much deeper than a child throwing a temper tantrum. If you don’t play along with the narcissist’s game, they will react with such rage because you are breaking all their fantasy rules and they will completely remove you from the situation. They just don’t stomp their feet and walk off, they stomp on your life and then walk away. They manipulate you, lie, and even brain wash us to play along with such precision that we somehow believe that they are real – we even love them. Unfortunately narcissists do not connect with reality; appearances are all that matter in their world to cover that damaged child that lives inside of them.
An adult narcissist is pretending when they lie, substituting fantasy for reality, so they can be in charge of and control their imaginary world. Their lies are sometimes unnecessary and ridiculous, or damaging and destructive. The fantasy exists in every facet of their life and they do whatever they want no matter at what cost to anybody, even their own biological children – we are only objects or one of their fantasy playmates. THERE IS NO INTERNAL MECHANISM there to enable them to care, so they live in such an out-of-control world that they will betray ANYBODY for more and more supply – even destroy anybody that may reveal the truth of how disordered they are. Their lying is pathological and they filter it out by projecting their lies onto us and always find a way to make us out to be the “bad seed”.
They don’t reflect upon what they have done because they just don’t care and they are already off and running with their next and next lie – it is their way to achieve a means to an end, or a mask that hides the truth. They can’t face that they are damaged, even for a moment, or else their head would implode and their life would crumble before them. They are as deep into fantasy as a child with imaginary friends and we all have a role and that is to play along as “supply” or else. Their “pretend world” requires them to make us believe them so lying is their language. BUT, they have many playmates and many imaginary worlds. Unfortunately, like a child there is no real depth and all fantasy, and they will always come back to that one friend that always believes them with a new fantasy game so they can keep playing with us. Unfortunately it boils down to psychological terrorism because of the lengths they go through to control us and make us believe so we play along and they get what they want – it is abuse pure and simple.

You Cannot Communicate With A Narcissist

The narcissistic personality lives in a delusional world of his creation. Although he/she gives fine speeches and is highly articulate in his profession, he is incapable of the give and take of true communication. I am talking of a meeting of minds. The narcissist is of one mind—his. That is all that exists at the center of his universe. You share his reflected light only if you can provide him with major narcissistic supplies–becoming an adoring spouse who acts as his servant, provide him with sources of power and paths to wealth, introduce him to influential movers and shakers. If you are in his life and cannot fit his bill, especially if you are a spouse or child, you will be treated with disrespect, dismissiveness, constant ridicule, searing criticism, verbal assaults, mental gaslighting and psychological sabotage.

The current narcissistic society gives these individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his field of study and he didn’t make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and disinterested.  I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his superiority.

I left the Prince’s throne room and went outside into the night and gazed at the twinkling stars —so beautiful, magnificent and real.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well. It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.