Precious Time

3 years ago I was in Del Mar, California with boone, inc., where his most recent wife lived in the $35mm home she bought with proceeds from her sale of a portion of the Clean Energy Fuels (CLNE - Nasdaq) common stock boone was required to give her, prior to their marriage.

This, a union of two "people", both of whom I would categorize as insanely delusional, entitled and omnipotent, along with being grossly immature.  A marriage that ended up looking like precisely what it was; a structured, contract based relationship; one where she was required to spend a certain amount of time with him, per week, attending x-number of social functions, etc. 

She had this new place, 3 hours from Dallas, where she was picked up and delivered, via private jet, several times per week.  She wanted nothing to do with Dallas.

There's no way this woman would ever get on a commercial jet, voluntarily. I've seen her get off an elevator because of who'd just got on.

During the trip to Del Mar, I saw/heard her walk into the Pamplemousse Grille one evening, loudly making the pronouncement that, "I've never seen so many ugly people in one room before."

What was that ?

I was shocked, did I hear her correctly ? Was it a joke I was not in on ?

NO

I'd just lived 709 days in hard core drug rehab, with people who'd become my best friends, incredibly wonderful people from all walks of life; people whom I loved for who they were, had been and were to be. We were all about truth, nothing hidden from each other, ever, truth always, because it was the only, the beautiful, the real.

And now, I'm forced to see and hear this.

Why ?

Pitiful, hollow, a waste of time, in this, our lives of precious time.

I kept my eyes open.

I'm to stay at the home of wifey's twin sister - I'm barely a living creature in social status & of course, net worth($), barely above a rat or a possum, so there's no hotel room for me.

I'm there to drive Mr Big around; so he never, ever misses a meal, receiving, swallowing and then processing his constant/random abuse, including having to listen to his non-stop:

boring natural gas bullshit, ad nauseam

same worn out resentments about the previous 4 wives who victimized him

current resentments/complaints about the new wife who's fucking with him

complaints/resentments regarding his "friends"; most of whom are dead & were not his friends, and how they fucked him

resentments/complaints about my siblings, their spouses and their children & how they've screwed him/are currently fucking with him

blah, blah, blah - you are so boring so shut up, quit whining, you're a friggin sissygirl put on a dress!

A few days later, during a CLNE/Nat Gas Act schmoozing session with Indiana Congressman Dan Burton, who's sitting directly to my right, the twin sister dumps her entire LARGE glass of red wine all over me and Dan - he's so drunk he never knows, even when I'm soaking the wine off the left arm of his jacket.

I'm wet, I leave.

Sister gets drunker, coming home where I'm working at a computer desk, and hugs my head with her huge fake titties enveloping my little bean head, knocking my glasses to the floor, telling me she loves me. I have no idea what she was up to, probably nothing, but you know me, I thought it was funny, especially when I re-enacted it, showing how my glasses were knocked askew.

So, it's a funny story, that's it.

When I get home, I tell my wife - she laughs.

She tells my sister-in-law, who laughs.

Sister-in-law tells my sister :

TELEPHONE, TELEGRAPH, TELLPAM !

Pamagraph tells boone's wife, who's scared shitless the world will actually care when this scandal gets out, then,

Booneygirl summons me to his office & tells me that this incident has "caused me all kinds of problems"

I've heard this before: "caused me all kinds of problems", many, many times over the decades, never knowing what was behind it, scared to ask.

I'm curious now, so I ask him, "what kind of problems has it caused you?"

He scoffs; he cannot tell me, but I now know, intuitively.

It's that this, my father's 5th marriage, is crumbling; they fight like children and then his wife, this plasticized $35+mm prostitute, throws this story in his face as if it's my fault & his responsibility, every-time they spar, which, if this marriage is anything like the previous 4.....

Of course, this sissy buys it and wears it like any expert victim would, because now, he's got another resentment, and it's on me, the bad little boone & his favorite target.

It gets worse after this, as if he now has carte blanche to call me on the carpet, whenever he finds himself in his head going nuts, desperately needing a distraction, which looks like about 24/7 from where I'm standing

So, it becomes very clear to me that this nut-job thinks I'm the same guy he's abused, unabatedly, for the last 84 years.

I'm no longer that guy, hello !

Of course, a few days later, I get the email from (yawn) another paid enabling shill, Sally Geymuller, instructing me to show up for breakfast at, yes again, the friggin Park Cities Hilton.

I go to this ridiculous breakfast (I know, I'm an idiot) where he's got his barely paid, ass kissing, always on retainer, booze/food/sex addict divorce attorney with him.

And, he's got a list of complaints:

the drunk sister event, which he has now determined is a lie, and just cannot quit obsessing over

I told Pamagraph that I liked my job because it was close to the driving range & I could go hit a bucket of balls instead of going to lunch - he says a "man" does not tell people these things

I took a second job, on the side - someone told him about this and this is not acceptable.

I should not be telling people I'm broke & need 2 jobs, which I tell people, because it's the truth

blah, blah, blah, some other bullshit I cannot remember because only a sissy like this clown could come up with such lame crap

I say nothing because it is nothing.

Bizarrely obese Attorney says, "Mike, do you have a response?" he's mediating the breakfast !

I say, "no response to the list of ridiculous complaints, but I've got a comment on why I think we're really here:

this, your 5th marriage is in trouble, again, as usual

you're 84 years old & scared of dying because you have no faith in God because you think you're God

you've lost all your money and your investors money, again, gambling in the markets, again

and, from where I'm sitting, your plate looks pretty full, so mind your own business, you've got plenty to do, if you've got the balls to do it, because you're running out of time."

He can't talk he's so incensed. His face is bizarrely scrunched up; he's totally out of control, mumbling "I never expected this meeting to turn out like this", but it's difficult to make out what he's saying because he's so enraged.

No peace, no joy; just blame, resentments, criticism, judgement.

I say, "look at you, no wonder you don't sleep, you're out of control, you are a complete mess"

Fatso grovels, "Mike, we're not here to talk about Boone's sleeping problem."

And this fuckwad attorney, who's been enabling, cosigning & otherwise blessing my father's bullshit for 25 years, so he can marry, divorce, marry, divorce, etc., collecting millions in fees each time they bring another mess to an expensive, in more ways than one, end.

Whatever, That's it. Meeting over. I get up and leave, I'm done. What a pussy. What a joke. What a lie.

Then it hits me. This is who this guy has been, all my life.

He's come nowhere in 8 decades.

No Where.

Nothing.

Nada.

He's a 12 year old bully, on his playground, just like my LPC sister has been saying for the last 30 years.

This completely powerless mess of a human, lives to exert whatever power he can, over others, in an effort to feel powerful.

Good luck loseWhen I was a kid, I'd roll my eyes at his crap; he'd get so pissed, dragging me to his closet, whipping me with his favorite belt.

After he'd left the house, I'd go back in his closet and piss in the corner.

Fucker.

Gone Fishin', the 1st & the last

It was just a few years ago, the Spring of 2009 - I'd flown to the ranch with my father, T. Boone, for the weekend, for some "quality" time - time which I'd never known to be true, but I still held out hope.

We were to go fishing together early the next morning, something I'd never done with my father, ever. I'd taught myself how to fish, late in my teens, alone.

6 am we were to head to the 50 acre pond, I was ready at 5.

The boat was full, with Keith, the ranch manager, along with the wildlife guys, Jeremy and Ryan - it would be 5 of us, in a 20 foot boat - why, I thought, were all of these people on this little boat ?

Off we went to the first fishing spot - "okay" said my dad - there was silence - "okay" he said again -  I looked up, away from my fishing gear, up, at Keith, Jeremy and Ryan - my glance was met with all 3 of them looking at me and then back at my father - "okay" he said again, for the 3rd time - that's when they got the OK to began to telling him each and everything they knew about every person that Boone hated, every person he had a resentment for, that Keith, Jeremy and Ryan knew anything about.

They went down the "list", the eyes & ears of this ranch, like clockwork, the eternal list of people they'd obviously spoken about before, at length, some of whom were at the ranch currently, some of whom had been there recently and most of whom had not been there for decades - beginning with those with the most recent "transgressions", picking each person apart, piece by piece, until there was nothing left.

This went on, non-stop, for several hours.

When the enemy list was exhausted, the fishing trip was over.

Just wait

We Can !

The Narcissistic Family Portrait

It can stink and look pretty at the same time

Clinical experience and research show that adult children of narcissists have a difficult time putting their finger on what is wrong. Denial is rampant in the narcissistic family system. "The typical adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feels like a hollow person, feels inadequate and defective, suffers from periodic anxiety and depression, and has no clue about how he or she got that way." Pressman and Pressman, The Narcissistic Family. It is common for adult children of narcissists to enter treatment with emotional symptoms or relationship issues, but simultaneously display a lack of awareness of the deeper etiology or cause. The narcissistic family hides profound pain.

In a nutshell, the narcissistic family operates according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children's emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible - not heard, seen or nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn't it?

Let's browse some common dynamics from this profoundly dysfunctional intergenerational system. Keep in mind there are degrees of dysfunction on a spectrum depending on the level of narcissism in the parents.

Secrets:
The family secret is that the parents are not meeting the children's emotional needs or they are abusive in some way. This is the norm in the narcissistic family. The message to the children: "Don't tell the outside world...pretend everything is fine."

Image:
The narcissistic family is all about image. The message is: we are bigger, better, have no problems, and we must put on the face of perfection. Children get the messages: "What would the neighbors think?" "What would the relatives think?" What would our friends think?" These are common fears in the family. "Always put a smile on that pretty little face."

Negative Messages:
Children are given spoken and unspoken messages that get internalized. Those messages typically are: "You're not good enough." "You don't measure up." "You are valued for what you do rather than for who you are."

Lack of Parental Hierarchy:
In healthy families there is a strong parental hierarchy where the parents are in charge and shining love, light, guidance, and direction down to the children. In narcissistic families the hierarchy is non-existent. The children are there to serve parental needs.

Lack of Emotional Tune-In:
Narcissistic parents lack the ability to emotionally tune in to their kids. They cannot feel and show empathy or unconditional love. They are typically critical and judgmental.

Lack of Effective Communication:
The most common type of communication in narcissistic families is through triangulation. This is where information is told through one party about another in hopes it will get back to the other party. Information is not direct. Family members talk about each other to other members of the family, but don't confront the individuals directly. Alas, causing the creation of passive-aggressive behavior, tension, and mistrust among family members. When communication is direct, it is often in the form of anger or rage.

Unclear Boundaries:
There are few boundaries in the narcissistic family. Children's feelings are not considered important. Diaries are read, physical boundaries not kept, and emotional boundaries not respected. The right to privacy is not typically a part of the family history.

One Parent Narcissistic, The Other Orbits:
If one parent is narcissistic, it is common for the other parent to have to revolve around the narcissist to keep the marriage intact. Many times the other parent has redeeming qualities to give to the children, but is tied up meeting the needs of the narcissistic spouse. This often leaves the children's needs unmet. Who is there for them?

Siblings Are Not Encouraged To Be Close:
In healthy families, we encourage our children to be loving and close to each other. In narcissistic families, children are pitted against each other and taught competition. There is a constant comparison of who is doing better and who is not. Some children are favored or seen as the golden child and others become the scapegoat for the parents’ projected negative feelings. Siblings in narcissistic families rarely grow up feeling emotionally connected to each other.

Feelings:
Feelings are denied and not discussed. Children are not taught to embrace their emotions and process them in realistic ways. They are taught to stuff, repress, and are told their feelings don't matter. Narcissistic parents are typically not in touch with their own feelings and therefore project them onto others. This causes a lack of accountability and honesty...not to mention other psychological disorders. If we don't process feelings, they do leak out in other unhealthy ways.

Not Good Enough Messages:
These messages come across loud and clear in the narcissistic family. Some parents actually speak this message in various ways and others just model it to the children. Even with arrogant and boastful behavior, under the veneer of a narcissist is a self-loathing psyche that gets passed to the child.

The Dysfunction Can Be Obvious or Covert:
In narcissist families, the dynamics can be seen or disguised. The dysfunction displayed in violent and abusive homes is usually obvious. Emotional and psychological abuse, as well as neglectful parenting, is often hidden. Where the drama is not displayed as openly to the outside world, it is just as or more damaging to the children.

In reviewing the above dynamics one can see how this kind of family can stink and look pretty at the same time. If you recognize your family here, please know there is hope and recovery. Although we can't change the past, we can take control of the now. We do not have to be defined by the wounded in our family systems. As Mark Twain defines the optimist, I also see the recovering adult child: "A person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness." We can create new life that will flow through us to the future and stop the legacy of distorted love learned in the narcissistic family. If we choose recovery, we can defy intergenerational statistics.

We Can!

boon tells lies because

They tell lies because they aren't living in the real world. They are living in a fantasy, a work of fiction, a stage play that they make up as they go along. They are just children playing "pretend." You are supposed to play along and pretend that their lies are true. Because they are the author of The World According to THEM, and you are supposed to follow their script.

The narcissist wants you to identify with the image he/she projects onto you. You are a mirror to reflect their fantasies, so they pressure you to behave as though it is real. Again just like the analogy of a child playing “make believe games like cowboys and Indians – when they say “bang bang” your dead – you best well be dead or else.
Unfortunately it is much deeper than a child throwing a temper tantrum. If you don’t play along with the narcissist’s game, they will react with such rage because you are breaking all their fantasy rules and they will completely remove you from the situation. They just don’t stomp their feet and walk off, they stomp on your life and then walk away. They manipulate you, lie, and even brain wash us to play along with such precision that we somehow believe that they are real – we even love them. Unfortunately narcissists do not connect with reality; appearances are all that matter in their world to cover that damaged child that lives inside of them.
An adult narcissist is pretending when they lie, substituting fantasy for reality, so they can be in charge of and control their imaginary world. Their lies are sometimes unnecessary and ridiculous, or damaging and destructive. The fantasy exists in every facet of their life and they do whatever they want no matter at what cost to anybody, even their own biological children – we are only objects or one of their fantasy playmates. THERE IS NO INTERNAL MECHANISM there to enable them to care, so they live in such an out-of-control world that they will betray ANYBODY for more and more supply – even destroy anybody that may reveal the truth of how disordered they are. Their lying is pathological and they filter it out by projecting their lies onto us and always find a way to make us out to be the “bad seed”.
They don’t reflect upon what they have done because they just don’t care and they are already off and running with their next and next lie – it is their way to achieve a means to an end, or a mask that hides the truth. They can’t face that they are damaged, even for a moment, or else their head would implode and their life would crumble before them. They are as deep into fantasy as a child with imaginary friends and we all have a role and that is to play along as “supply” or else. Their “pretend world” requires them to make us believe them so lying is their language. BUT, they have many playmates and many imaginary worlds. Unfortunately, like a child there is no real depth and all fantasy, and they will always come back to that one friend that always believes them with a new fantasy game so they can keep playing with us. Unfortunately it boils down to psychological terrorism because of the lengths they go through to control us and make us believe so we play along and they get what they want – it is abuse pure and simple.

You Cannot Communicate With A Narcissist

The narcissistic personality lives in a delusional world of his creation. Although he/she gives fine speeches and is highly articulate in his profession, he is incapable of the give and take of true communication. I am talking of a meeting of minds. The narcissist is of one mind—his. That is all that exists at the center of his universe. You share his reflected light only if you can provide him with major narcissistic supplies–becoming an adoring spouse who acts as his servant, provide him with sources of power and paths to wealth, introduce him to influential movers and shakers. If you are in his life and cannot fit his bill, especially if you are a spouse or child, you will be treated with disrespect, dismissiveness, constant ridicule, searing criticism, verbal assaults, mental gaslighting and psychological sabotage.

The current narcissistic society gives these individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his field of study and he didn’t make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and disinterested.  I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his superiority.

I left the Prince’s throne room and went outside into the night and gazed at the twinkling stars —so beautiful, magnificent and real.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well. It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.